Insomnia

Tired but I can't fall asleep. The winds blowing, it's cold and I'm feeling wound up like some toy. It felt great to lay there for a little while.... in bed. It was nice to snuggle up on her, kiss her on the cheek and neck, nibble on her ear. She smiled and said "hi baby"... then fell back asleep.

Work was good... did some good organizing, house cleaning, nobody quit. The great thing about the restaurant business is that there really never is a dull moment. Even when it's slow, it's insanely slow and always a striking contrast to the dinner rush. Speaking of "dinner rush", that movie wasn't half bad. We're stil behind on payroll, Gerard still wants his money and everyone's always just a little bit unsatisfied. Some of us actually don't mind the helter skelter life, but some of the workers really hate it. Guess nobody really likes asking for something they feel they've already worked for.

Anyway, I can't blame them. I would feel the same way. But for me, I'd have a way out. I could always quit and find another job. One that probably doesn't pay as well but at least I would get paid on time. I don't think everyone there has that option. I'm not complaining. They treat me pretty well there. The food is pretty good most of the time and I don't have to take too much shit. I've been working six days a week now. This is the same job where less than a year ago, I told myself I need to work less hours. Money is really addicting. Welcome to the rat race I guess. Never thought I would join, but I guess it's inevitable. Kind of like growing up. You never really want it to happen but it does anyway.

Valentine's Day is fast approaching..... so many Holdays for so many cultures. Fat Tuesday, Ash Wednesday, the Chinese New Year, and soon Valentine's day. I guess there's always a reason to party, if you're looking for one. You know, everyone has there ways of coping with life's stresses. I guess whether you wear beeds, wear crosses on you forehead or dance in the streets pretending to be a dancing lion, you find a reason to celebrate life. But Valentine's Day is a celebration of love... and money. How much ($$$$) can you love her??? Diamonds, not dinners, are a girls best friend. First class dinner for 2 $300. First class diamond - $3000 or around such number a can't afford. I guess it's all part of the game. Alright, I'll save that for another time. =zzzzzzzzzz

New Orleans

Once in a blue moon, you meet someone who changes your life forever.  Forever, meaning beyond this existence, and into the next and perhaps even further than that.  The sky comes crashing down.  Life, matter, all of it, everything else, becomes seemingly nonexistent.  You become fully aware, all at once, in the existence of the void.  The space of nonexistence and inconsequence, where immense power and bitter frailty titter and totter on your every thought and action. 

It is a desire that burns so deep that all your actions center around this one fate.  And all that you do either brings you closer to it, or pushes you further away.  Not by your intentions of course.  That would be too easy.  It just so happens that usually, the harder you push it away, the closer it seems.  And of course, the closer you try to pull it towards you, the further it seems to go away.  Like a cloud or a mirage, you see it off in the distance.  You can see it, smell it, feel it, but when you reach out and try to grasp it, you realize there’s nothing there.  It’s there but its not, you see it, but you can’t feel it, you feel it, but you can’t hold it, you hold it but you can’t, you can’t ever, ever, ever own it.  You could swear by your own existence, that it was there.  That it wasn’t some figment of your own imagination.  It was there for the taking.  It was mocking you for not trying sooner, for not trying harder and it just stares and laughs in your face.  “Reach out, take a chance, I’m right here for you.”  You say no, and turn away, but the days pass, and you start to turn away less often.  You begin to listen more to those sweet words rather than your own doubts, your own fears, your own truths. 

What kills me is that I knew it all along.  I knew it was never there.  I told myself from the beginning, don’t believe in the myth, don’t believe in the fantasy.  Don’t believe in the one thing that can hurt you.  Everything I had learned up to that point in my life told me not to believe.  And somehow, within a few moments, days, months, she changed all that.  I fell in deep and couldn’t swim.  I played the game and couldn’t win.  Now I look back and know that it was my fault.  It always easier to blame yourself.

The thrill of pain, the want of death… the scream.  Landscapes and scenes pass by.  There’s no answer to the mystery of memories.  Just the time that’s locked into place, seemingly forever in your consciousness.